Chicago Gluttons - Chicago Restaurant Review & Obsession

What is the secret to great Vietnamese Beef Noodle soup, it’s the broth brother. Soup Base, soup base, soup base! Imagine if you will, a small Asian lady on a step stool hovering over a cauldron of beef broth stirring occasionally the shanks of beef and bones filled with flavorful marrow. She is cackling all the way as she knows that this powerful potion will seduce anyone in contact. Ok, so all false imagery aside, there are small Asian ladies running the joint, but I am sure they are not chained to stirring a caldron for the delicious meals served at Le’s Pho.

I am a frequent visitor of this joint and am a firm believer that the soup base makes the best pho. I usually start with a specialty drink before I start my order. The drink depends on the time of day, in the morning I will go for a Vietnamese ice coffee made from Café Du Monde chickory coffee. The strength of this drip coffee results in instant laxative, guaranteed to keep you regular for the next week. Fuck the fiber, reach for a Vietnamese Ice coffee. But I am off on a tangent, since the day in question, it was the afternoon and I order my favorite beverage on a hot day, Limeade. No not lemonade, yes limeade. A mix of fresh lime juice, soda water, and sugar for some reason is the elixir for any hot Chicago Day.

My next step in my ritual is to order an appetizer to lay a base for all the soup I will be drinking. On this occasion, I order Vietnamese rice patties topped with ground shrimp and scallions, served with a fish sauce for dipping. Grab, roll, and dip, insert into mouth and repeat. Although most of you will instinctively go for ordering the spring rolls or the imperial rolls, add this dish into your ordering arsenal, and if you don’t like it, go back to your Americanized safe list of ethnic appetizers.

The main attraction is the beef noodle soup, aka Pho, the bowl in question is more specifically call a Dac Biet in Vietnamese, which I think translates into special, or it could stand for you can Biet on this, because that shit is good. I usually order a large bowl of Dac Biet with the flank state on the side. Yes a pile of thinly slice beef served on a plate always makes my carnivorous caveman taste buds salivate. Make sure you place that beef in your soup while it is still piping hot, do not overcook your beef, but let it cook enough to add some extra flavor to your soup base. It is also import to add some bean sprouts and have your dipping sauces ready. Hosin sauce and Siracha combo is always a winner.

Slurp it up like nobody’s business, trust me no one is watching.

• Name: Le's Pho
• Where: 4925 N Broadway Ave Chicago, IL 60640
•  Phone Number: (773) 784-8723

Yall know bout those Big Johnson tees. About 15 years ago, all the heads who didn’t buy Senor Frogs or Hypercolor gear rocked this dumb shit. Regardless of the fact that it was slightly entertaining; it was just a guy who boasted a big dick and was able to get away with anything because of it. Thing is, this skinny ass douchebag probably DIDN’T have a big johnson. I think the time is ripe for Andersonville’s three week old Contemporary Southern Coastal Cuisine dine house Big Jones and ya boy Johnson to pull they pants down. Don’t be claiming southern if you ain’t gonna do it proper.

First thing I noticed was that the joint was too clean…where was the sweaty, fat black cook named Lester? What about Grandmama with stank breath and rollers in her hair? The buss-boy was some hipster with a Ryan Seacrest-like fauxhawk who scowled at us when we said hello.

For appetizers we got the Pulled Pork Grit Cakes (Niman Ranch pork shoulder, crispy grit cakes, Cakalack sauce & slaw) and Crab Salad Deviled Eggs (Lump blue crab, deviled eggs and chow-chow with Johnny Cakes and a light vinaigrette).

Both were fantastic “contemporary” interpretations of Saturday Night Fish Fry classics, but from here, we rolled expediently down the cow pasture into a pig pin shit storm.

No. We didn’t get the baby back ribs or the pork chop special. This was our opportunity to test Big Jones’ endowment and see how far their southern creativity could reach. So we got the Etouffee z’ Herbs (Crimini & shiitake mushrooms, gumbo roux, eggplant and greens on Louisiana popcorn rice) and then the Brunswick Stew (Braised rabbit loin in a delicate gravy with crisp bacon, corn and butter beans).

Now, Ive had plenty of Etouffee and I know its supposed to be smokey, but that doent mean that is supposed to be as bland as white folks kool-aid. My grandfather made a killa Brunswick stew, so I’m a tough critic. And although the meats were juicy and tender, the “stew” portion of the plate was a simple afterthought. It’s Brunswick STEW not Brunswick Stew. I wanted to doggie bag both these dishes, take them back to the nest and apply excruciating amounts of salt and hot sauce.

And then it was time for the night cap: Hot Toddy and Mississippi Mud Pie.

Well, lets just say that our server was not very cooperative. In fact, he was a dickneck. When we asked for honey-a key ingredient in toddy-the dood had the audacity to bring out SIMPLE SYRUP. Daaaang mang. Don’t Big Jones serve brunch? And isn’t honey a main condiment in brunch (i.e. buttermilk biscuits and honey)? Just take the “southern” out of your name if you ain’t got some honey at the servers station. Simply redonkulous.

The pie was aiight, but took 20 minutes to be brought out to the table and I’d swear it was some Cosco out-the-box shit. And when it finally arrived, it arrived partially burnt. The oven must have been on broil instead of warm.

So pull those draws down Big Jones, and let me see what you’re really packin, cuz a majority of your food preparation and service certainly didn’t leave me with no love jones.

• Name: Big Jones
• Where: 5347 N. Clark St. Chicago, IL 60640
•  Phone Number: (773) 275-5725

Black Folks are like Mexicans, only we steeped American culture eons ago.  That’s why you can travel to Chicago’s Little Italy and find a breakfast/lunch joint which caters primarily to folks of color and makes everyone else wonder why they can’t cook like this.  Sweet Maple Cafe; consider yourself warned.

Yea, the gentlemangs rock coogie sweaters and the gentlefems are fresh outta The Color Purple.

“My’s chirrens lives in AFRIKKA!” 

Don’t get me wrong, the dynamic in the dining room is extremely mixed: UIC students, southwest siders, prominent Afro-Americans who just can’t put down the swine, and yea, Bamas. 

What is Bama?  This is:

I was born in North Cakalak, so I’m used to this type of behavior.  But for some of yall, this might be a frightening first.  Rest assured, Bamas know how to cook.  Primary ingredients usually include a tub-o-lard and fatbacks.  Moreover, the Bama gets that culinary shine on during breakfast by supplanting typical lunch and dinner foodstuffs (such as fried pork chop and fried chicken) to fortify an normally lackluster meal.

We got to the spot around 11am and the host told us that the wait was going to be around 55 minutes.  Usually restaurants in the city buff wait times to scare away patrons who aint serious, so we thought that we’d be sat in 30-40.  Well, we waited for over an hour.  In the vien of ‘that countray shit,’ Sweet Maple does not rush its customers and pisses on “turning tables” like that dood Calvin.  This, coupled with the fact that the dining room is basically 10 tables, makes a wait as painful as being sold on the auction block to Massa Tom.

Don’t take my word for it.  Digital photos NEVER lie.

Famished by the time we were sat, we ignored Bama dining rules and ordered hastily.

We went with ‘A Couple of Eggs’ breakfast, which features two eggs any style, a choice of biscuit or toast (please don’t be stupid and order toast), country bacon or sausage and an order of homefries.  Everything on the plate was exceptional; the eggs where scrambled to perfection and the biscuits were warm and hearty.  Homefries were a standard fare; onion, green pepper, oregano and, of course, a Bama must have-paprika. The country sausage was the head cornerstone, and if mass marketed, would have Jimmy Dean and Bob Evans calling they local social service agency for public assistance programs.

Then we scooped up one of the ‘Daybreak Sandwiches’ and some cheese grits.  The former can be loaded with country sausage, bacon, or fried chicken.  Having missed out on the fried chicken sandwich on previous visits, I was salivating when the biscuit medley arrived at the table.  Unfortunately, the chicken just wasn’t as flavorful as the country sausage or bacon and just left me craving a Chick-Fil-a’s Chicken Biscut all damn day.

The latter, or DEM GRITS, were a proper consistency…not smooth like Mississippi Mud and not hard like South Cakalak cow pies.  Not like Grandma used to make, but unfortunately she wasn’t back in the kitchen slapping cooks around with a broom stick, so I guess you get what you pay for.

To sum it all up, we live in Chicago, so expectations for a southern restaurant can ride a few notches lower than usual.  Nevertheless, Sweet Maple makes a valiant effort at cooking up some of that Bama Shit.  Kudos.

• Name: Sweet Maple Cafe
• Where: 1339 W Taylor St Chicago, IL 60607
•  Phone Number: (312) 243-8908

In early December Rodgers Park got some mo shine with a 2nd installment of the uber sassy Uncommon Ground.

The resturant boasts rooftop solar thermal panels and a production garden with sustainably grown organic herbs and produce.

Indoors, the joint continues to exude this eco-friendly philosophy and a natural beauty throughout. The dining rooms are furnished with handsome wood table tops which are made with reclaimed wood from downed trees at Chicago’s Jackson Park and still life photography framed by omnipresent trunk cuts.  Live singer-songwriters bless the UC vibe and fortunately manage to avert hippiecrit status. 

At the bar, leather couches and club chairs nestle against the hearth where fires blaze like a Cypress Hill concert.  After a couple draft Anchor Steam Christmas Ales (hells yes UC uses the gold rimmed pint glass cuz its just MO PIMP) we commence our meltdown into an array of gray haired Loyola Psychology Professors and 20-somethang girlies that tie they scarves all funny. 

Now I’ve eaten at the Lakeview location a few times and never strayed from the Pumpkin Ravioli (which is hotness), but b/c we had you Innanet foodies in mind, we opted for small plates. 

For starters we select the potato soup with a beef stock base as well as the baked artichoke, pesto and goat cheese dip.  As for the latter, let me just say that your tastebuds better ready for the blitzkrieg of flavor profiles.  I almost thought about throwing my white flag, but at this point dishes were coming at us rapid-fire.

UC came correct with the local grower friendly organic baby spinach & seedling farm apple salad with spicy walnuts.  Crunchy, oily, spicy, savory, sweet…et al.  Another clusterfuck of flavors that you’d think wouldn’t pan out but slaps out reprimands for prejudice like tree branch switches and frat paddles.

And this is where the cuisine went “eeehh” on us.

The porcini crusted beef tenderloin carpaccio with arugula, fried onions and capers sounded like a good idea…I mean, we felt like we were up $400 at the blackjack table.  Nevertheless, this dish was booty.  I KNOW carpaccio is supposed to be thin, but so thin I can’t even get it off the damn plate?  I was eating air particles.  C’mon now shunn.

Then there was the quail and mushroom risotto.  My girl was right; there is a reason why kats don’t eat risotto outside of Italy.  I’m under the impression that UC’s kitchen prepared this dish and then basically took turns pissing and shitting on it. 

A travesty.  Diabolical.

So when things go wrong, what do you do?  You go back to basics: duck.

The duck confit quesadilla was on time.  But the sweet potato salsa boinked at the finish line.  Can I get some flavor in my salsa?!$*#!  It is called salsa, right? 

In sum, Uncommon Ground is a great spot for aesthetics and ambiance.  I suppose the theory holds true that many establishments can get away with murder when they create a unforgettable dining room and proficient service.  Part of the Gluttons contingent says the breakfast is on point (they went three times last week) so you might wanna peep that shit out.

As for my ass, Ima try to doctor up some of these leftovas with some extra virgin olive oil and my arsenal of herbs an spices from The Spice House.  Till the next meal Gluttons…
 

• Name: Uncommon Ground
• Where: 1401 W. Devon ave Chicago, IL
•  Phone Number: (773) 465-9801