My time has come. The end is near. I fear that I don’t have much time left so I will be sure to use these words wisely. As I write this, a river of piping hot mozzerella cheese is oozing from my ruptured stomach and enveloping my failing organs. I used to think that eating yourself to death was only possible at gun point, so please learn from my story and don’t repeat my mortal mistakes. (btw, if anyone I know personally is reading this I want The Baby Elephant Walk played at at my funeral. Make this happen or I’m coming back and sliming nurgaz.) It’s going to happen any minute now . . .

Oh sweet lord, accept me into thy open arms. But how did this happen you ask?

Today I went to Gulliver’s Pizza on Howard st. and totally lost control. I wasn’t even hungry, I had no business being there. I was to just enjoy “a few drinks” and the beautiful patio area. You know, this is what responsible adults do for leisure. As always a few drinks turned into several, and several drinks turned into me accidentally ordering an extra large 16 inch pan pizza topped with pepperoni, jalepenos all for myself. This is about a 10 pound (4.54 kilogram) pizza.

It arrived wearing a tin foil burka:

Don’t be shy! You don’t have to hide under there . . . you are free here and I think you are beautiful . . .

No its ok to show off a little . . If this is wrong, why does it feel so right?

What happened next is difficult to explain. Have you ever experienced road hypnosis? Like when you are driving on the highway and all of a sudden you’ve traveled 50 miles from your last memory? Imagine that happening while eating pizza. Shortly after taking this photo I entered my first and final state of deadly food hypnosis. What appropriate and beautiful death.

When I came to the pizza was 50% complete. Small chunks of jalepeno & pizza crust peppered my lap and shirt & my wrist watch was missing.

Things We've Eaten