OK guys check it out, there is a new king of burgers in town and it aint this creepy motherfucker:

That’s right fellow lard asses, Five Guys is officially up in our shit.

You’re probably thinking:
“But Roy, what about Kumas?  They got fried eggs and shit!”

First of all, i don’t have three hours to wait for a table at that fucking place any more.  The burgers are indeed amazing, but that place is just too crowded.  If it isn’t a weekday afternoon, Kuma’s is might as well be In-n-Out.

Ok, back to the issue at hand:

When I first heard that Five Guys had opened in Chicago I casually mentioned it ito a friend who grew up in Maryland.  His reaction was the cheeseburger equivalent of this:

I had to have it.

Less than 12 hours later I gassed up my piece-of-shit Corrolla in search of a burger, a better burger. The type of burger that makes you lose your shit in public.

The anticipation was overwhelming and unexplainable. I felt guilty. . . dirty.  I began to get paranoid . . .what if it’s closed?  what if the burgers don’t live up to the hype?  what if it’s a trap?

Upon arrival we were greeted by this delicious looking sign.  Nothing says good burgers like a checker pattern.

The menu was like Othello, a minute to learn – a lifetime to master.  Before I knew what was happening, it was my turn to order.  I was unprepared.

I channeled my inner Percee P and freestyled it.

The WTF burger:
- Cheesburger
- Grilled Onions
- Pickles
- Relish
- Hot Sauce

Farts. I forgot to get mayo.

All Five Guys burgers are cooked well done, so feel free to share with the pregnant and elderly.

The burger was a perfect little greaseball.  I was almost sexually attracted to it.
This is the type of burger beautiful poems are written about.
The kind of burger that you could serve at a wedding.
The kind of burger you could talk someone off a ledge with.

Alongside the burger came a “small” order of fries.  This order came in two parts:

The fries were retarded (in a good way) and overwhelming.  Absent of a frat wager or an eating competition, I can’t see how anyone would dare to finish even a small order.

Wow, thanks for telling me. . you can really taste the Tenton.

As I finished the last bite, a sentimental hamburger clip-show played in my head.  Boyz to Men’s “Its So Hard to Say Goodbye” gently filled my mind.  All the best burgers from my past were there:  Diner Grill, Moody’s, Kuma’s, Culvers, In-and-Out, Boston Blackies, White Castle.  They formed a circle around us as I slow danced with my Five Guys WTF burger.  “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, I whispered to it.   “I’m in love with you. . . maybe you could put on some mayo for me later?”

Things We've Eaten Best Burger Chicago, Cheeseburgers, Five Guys