Man, I’m sick of all this Michael Jackson shit. It sure would be nice for the media to get over it already. Motherfucker wasn’t Jesus. . he was actually creepy as hell and had a pet chimp. A fucking chimp! It’s not like Michael doesn’t deserve some respect, but what is this . .day 8? Everyone’s acting like music is dead. We’re going to be fine, I promise. Don’t yall know that we still have Jermaine?
But I digress. Last night was a serious session. The crew assembled in the camouflage lodge for drinks and extra curricularz. As our brains got hazy, John mentioned local hamburger joint, McDonalds, had finally added a new sandwich to their already diverse vegan-hating menu. Was it the McDLT 2? The Arch Deluxe revisited? The McJordan special coming out of retirement? Keep guessing . . think bigger . . think saltier . . think about type 2 diabetes.
Whatever it was, I was going to get in on the ground floor of this shit. I want to be able to tell my kids that I was there on opening weekend . . my generation’s Woodstock. That is, if the burger doesn’t make me sterile. Check your head:
Curiously, there appeared to be a hate crime taking place on the cover of the box.
As I opened the box, my left arm began to ache in anticipation.
That’s right, the burger is wearing a grease resistant undershirt.
It’s called the Angus Deluxe and it’s a 750 calorie hubcap of death. A socially acceptable form of suicide and reason #42 why Al Qaeda hates us.
It actually absorbs all ambient light once removed from the packaging.
If sober, one would be forced to question the decision making process that would lead them to consume such a self destructive item. But when drunk, you don’t have time for such foolish thoughts.
It tastes exactly how it looks – deadly. What has science done?
It is the second saltiest and third most caloric burger in the Mcdonald’s roster . . .edged out only by the bacon embellished incarnation. It beats out the double quarter pounder in nearly every negative category. It will kill you. It will kill us all. You have got to try it.
Suggested pairing: I recommend enjoying this abomination with a fine single malt scotch. The oak flavor accentuates the 39 grams of fat and really helps you taste the 1700mg of sodium.
70% through the burger, I felt my hypothalamus urging me to stop (as well as my pituitary gland oddly throbbing with pain.) There is no fucking way I’m going to be able to finish this thing. For the first time in my life there is a McDonalds meal that I simply cannot complete regardless of intoxication. Joey Chestnut would be disappointed.
For a more in depth comparison of these new threats to society, check out time out’s take on it.