The Angus Deluxe – McDonald’s Doesn’t Give a Fuck.

0 Posted by - July 3, 2009 - Things We've Eaten

Man, I’m sick of all this Michael Jackson shit. It sure would be nice for the media to get over it already. Motherfucker wasn’t Jesus. . he was actually creepy as hell and had a pet chimp. A fucking chimp! It’s not like Michael doesn’t deserve some respect, but what is this . .day 8? Everyone’s acting like music is dead. We’re going to be fine, I promise. Don’t yall know that we still have Jermaine?

But I digress. Last night was a serious session. The crew assembled in the camouflage lodge for drinks and extra curricularz. As our brains got hazy, John mentioned local hamburger joint, McDonalds, had finally added a new sandwich to their already diverse vegan-hating menu. Was it the McDLT 2? The Arch Deluxe revisited? The McJordan special coming out of retirement? Keep guessing . . think bigger . . think saltier . . think about type 2 diabetes.

mcjordan

Whatever it was, I was going to get in on the ground floor of this shit. I want to be able to tell my kids that I was there on opening weekend . . my generation’s Woodstock. That is, if the burger doesn’t make me sterile. Check your head:
hate-crime-box
Curiously, there appeared to be a hate crime taking place on the cover of the box.

As I opened the box, my left arm began to ache in anticipation.
burger-in-box
That’s right, the burger is wearing a grease resistant undershirt.

It’s called the Angus Deluxe and it’s a 750 calorie hubcap of death. A socially acceptable form of suicide and reason #42 why Al Qaeda hates us.
angus-deluxe-closeup
It actually absorbs all ambient light once removed from the packaging.

If sober, one would be forced to question the decision making process that would lead them to consume such a self destructive item. But when drunk, you don’t have time for such foolish thoughts.
burger-cross-section
It tastes exactly how it looks – deadly. What has science done?

It is the second saltiest and third most caloric burger in the Mcdonald’s roster . . .edged out only by the bacon embellished incarnation. It beats out the double quarter pounder in nearly every negative category. It will kill you. It will kill us all. You have got to try it.

Suggested pairing: I recommend enjoying this abomination with a fine single malt scotch. The oak flavor accentuates the 39 grams of fat and really helps you taste the 1700mg of sodium.

70% through the burger, I felt my hypothalamus urging me to stop (as well as my pituitary gland oddly throbbing with pain.) There is no fucking way I’m going to be able to finish this thing. For the first time in my life there is a McDonalds meal that I simply cannot complete regardless of intoxication. Joey Chestnut would be disappointed.

3 minutes later:
aftermath
Oh my god. What have I done?

For a more in depth comparison of these new threats to society, check out time out’s take on it.

12 Comments

  • avatar
    GL July 4, 2009 - 6:23 pm Reply

    I’m glad to see McD’s make a move in the monster heart clogging burger category.

    As for Jacko, his music has been dead for years upon years and this attention to the dead King of Pop Weirdness is truly strange. Fitting, I suppose.

  • avatar
    Mad Jack Deacon July 5, 2009 - 12:19 pm Reply

    I find it glorious that I’m more moved by the death of Billy “I’ll clean everything in your damn house with Oxyclean!!!” Mays. Everything went downhill after Joe stopped applying the back of his hand to his chillins. I understand though. Same thing happened to me after I got too big for my moms to be pop me a good one in the mouf.

    As far as the McD’s Angus burger, I’m out. Especially since everything in that place gives me gas that’ll peel the paint off the walls and cause caustic blindness. I know a large part of it is the reconstituted onions, but even with fresher toppings, I’m pretty sure that’ll just exacerbate the situation.

    And since I’m Edgewater, I’ll hit Moody’s and deal with the meh service and amazingly delish burgers.

  • avatar
    d July 5, 2009 - 8:49 pm Reply

    Angus Deluxe=The Food Fuckness. Five Guys-RP tmr!!!

  • avatar
    roy July 5, 2009 - 8:59 pm Reply

    Mad Jack:

    I’m with you on the Billy Mays . . I’m gonna miss that beard. As for Moody’s . oh hell yeah . . while you’re over there you might wanna try the burger at Patio Beef. Also, word on the street is that Five Guys is opening up on Broadway by Loyola this week.

  • avatar
    Kristen July 6, 2009 - 11:46 am Reply

    Wait, what? This burger (and its equally lardy brethren) have been around in NYC since fall 2007. Why are they only sharing the love with you now? Why do they hate you?

  • avatar
    Mad Jack Deacon July 6, 2009 - 9:41 pm Reply

    I’ve always wondered about Patio Beef. I stroll by there alla time on the way to the “greatest bar in Chicago”* the Sovereign.

    And I’ll be one happy mutha, if Five Guys comes to Edgewater/RP.

    *this claim has not been verified by the FDA.

  • avatar
    J-DuB July 30, 2009 - 10:33 am Reply

    I had one of these salt-bombs of gluttony… and it really wasn’t very good. Not particularly hot, tasted just like all the other piece-of-shit-on-a-bun burgers that they have.

    Except that mine had bacon and cheese… I think I would have rather had a Double QP than this thing. Or… go to Benny’s Grill on Argyle/ Sheridan and have Judy whip me up a Double with Bacon.

    PATIO BEEF ROCKS! Moody’s Pub (if you can put up with the Moody Waitresses) is also pretty damed good.

    You know who else throws down a good puck of gastro-intestinal blockage? The Select Cut on Halsted and Diversey. That is a VERY tasty burger for the dime.

  • avatar
    Mad Jack Deacon August 5, 2009 - 3:28 pm Reply

    J-DuB :if you can put up with the Moody Waitresses)

    Amen brother. I’ve never had bad food at Moody’s. Just “meh” service. Too many folks. Only one waitress. WTF?

  • avatar
    Ryan August 8, 2009 - 2:37 pm Reply

    @GL

    I excersize every day, have a perfect BMI rating, and I enjoy the Angus Deluxe on occasion.

    I disagree with the OP
    This burger is not going to kill ANYONE.
    McDonalds does not make people unhealthy. lazy people with no self control or discipline make themselves unhealthy

  • avatar
    Mad Jack Deacon August 10, 2009 - 8:16 am Reply

    J-DuB :
    You know who else throws down a good puck of gastro-intestinal blockage? The Select Cut on Halsted and Diversey. That is a VERY tasty burger for the dime.

    Another Amen, there J-Dub. Select Cut burgers are amazingly good. Probably because they grind them from aged sirloin. Get a basic burger to go, head home and top it with a nice slice of Stilton Cheese and some Neuske’s Pepper Bacon. Happy mouth!

  • avatar
    Dustin October 27, 2011 - 4:21 am Reply

    who are these fucking cry babies? stfu about how bad the burger is for you…it fuckin tastes good, let people decide whether or not they want to eat it or not…these assholes sound like vegans or vegetarians…i eat this burger all the time…and NO i am not one of those fat ass americans u see on infomercials trying to lose weight, i am 6’0″ and 190 lbs…not over weight at all, my body fat is at 18% which is in the healthy range…so fuck off health nuts…if you don’t like the angus deluxe thats fine, don’t eat it…but quit trying to make people do what u tell them to do…it’s our fuckin choice, not yours. thank you very much, now fuck off!

  • avatar
    McBleedingshits December 30, 2011 - 5:31 pm Reply

    Next time you walk into McPukes, ask for the McChicken lip and asshole burger.
    See what kind of look you get.
    I used to like McPukes but then I grew up.
    The last time I went into a McBleeding shits, some 300 pound sweat hog sat down with four big macs and proceeded to eat them like the cookie monster.
    I couldn’t finish my burger.
    And we all know the special sauce has human DNA in it, from the teen age boys jacking off in it.
    And pray you are near a bathroom for 24 hours after you eat at McVomits.
    Because you know any fart is going to be McWet.

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