Five Guys Ran a Train on My Mouth

0 Posted by - March 19, 2009 - Things We've Eaten

OK guys check it out, there is a new king of burgers in town and it aint this creepy motherfucker:


That’s right fellow lard asses, Five Guys is officially up in our shit.

You’re probably thinking:
“But Roy, what about Kumas?  They got fried eggs and shit!”

First of all, i don’t have three hours to wait for a table at that fucking place any more.  The burgers are indeed amazing, but that place is just too crowded.  If it isn’t a weekday afternoon, Kuma’s is might as well be In-n-Out.

Ok, back to the issue at hand:

When I first heard that Five Guys had opened in Chicago I casually mentioned it ito a friend who grew up in Maryland.  His reaction was the cheeseburger equivalent of this:

I had to have it.

Less than 12 hours later I gassed up my piece-of-shit Corrolla in search of a burger, a better burger. The type of burger that makes you lose your shit in public.

The anticipation was overwhelming and unexplainable. I felt guilty. . . dirty.  I began to get paranoid . . .what if it’s closed?  what if the burgers don’t live up to the hype?  what if it’s a trap?


Upon arrival we were greeted by this delicious looking sign.  Nothing says good burgers like a checker pattern.


The menu was like Othello, a minute to learn – a lifetime to master.  Before I knew what was happening, it was my turn to order.  I was unprepared.

I channeled my inner Percee P and freestyled it.

The WTF burger:
– Cheesburger
– Grilled Onions
– Pickles
– Relish
– Hot Sauce

Farts. I forgot to get mayo.

All Five Guys burgers are cooked well done, so feel free to share with the pregnant and elderly.



The burger was a perfect little greaseball.  I was almost sexually attracted to it.
This is the type of burger beautiful poems are written about.
The kind of burger that you could serve at a wedding.
The kind of burger you could talk someone off a ledge with.


Alongside the burger came a “small” order of fries.  This order came in two parts:


The fries were retarded (in a good way) and overwhelming.  Absent of a frat wager or an eating competition, I can’t see how anyone would dare to finish even a small order.


Wow, thanks for telling me. . you can really taste the Tenton.

As I finished the last bite, a sentimental hamburger clip-show played in my head.  Boyz to Men’s “Its So Hard to Say Goodbye” gently filled my mind.  All the best burgers from my past were there:  Diner Grill, Moody’s, Kuma’s, Culvers, In-and-Out, Boston Blackies, White Castle.  They formed a circle around us as I slow danced with my Five Guys WTF burger.  “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, I whispered to it.   “I’m in love with you. . . maybe you could put on some mayo for me later?”



  • avatar
    Jim March 20, 2009 - 12:58 am Reply

    I just had MY first trip to 5 Guys on Saturday (in Nashville, TN), and was gonna start barkin’ at y’all as soon as I return to Chi next week. Now we all know. And I will have one less reason to ever leave.

  • avatar
    john March 20, 2009 - 1:55 am Reply

    no shit, the funniest shit i’ve read in a long time.

  • avatar
    S March 20, 2009 - 9:13 am Reply

    Shit, better than Moody’s? You best not be jokin’, son!

  • avatar
    b March 20, 2009 - 2:55 pm Reply

    yall must have forgot about Burger Baron – Home. of. the. Burger.

  • avatar
    roy March 20, 2009 - 3:41 pm Reply

    Oh shit. . The burger baron? Terrible website, but im intrigued . . I\’ll have a full report on your desk by next week.

  • avatar
    Jim March 22, 2009 - 11:53 am Reply

    the Baron is good too. there is room for both is our world.

  • avatar
    Big Bites March 23, 2009 - 6:06 pm Reply

    Dem burgers are tasty but dang are they messy! Beware not to wear your sunday’s best when eating these. My hands smelled like ketchup the entire day.

  • avatar
    Ira March 25, 2009 - 9:33 am Reply

    Speaking of sexually attracted, this review is getting me hot and bothered.

  • avatar
    Deez Nutz - Jew Pimp March 26, 2009 - 12:18 pm Reply

    Roy, I gotta tell ya, that burger looks like a gastronomic nightmare which I can only be described as pre paid explosive ass rain. I have to wonder if 1000 cals and 17 minutes spent grunting on the commode are worth 15 minutes of oral pleasure, and not the kind involving a dumb blonde with big knockers. I’ll stick with the clean eats while I’m sober but when I’m mangled from the bars I’d consider shredding my lower intestine for Five Guys just because you say it is worthy (and you seem to know your shit when it comes to burgers). Like tha Alkaholiks said, only when I’m drunk.

  • avatar
    exidy April 4, 2009 - 3:48 pm Reply

    five guys ran a train on yer brains bro. if you think this burger is on par with or better than kuma’s, you are dumb. i am deleting this blog from my favorites- how i can i take any of your other opinions on food seriously anymore. five guys makes an unseasoned, below average burger that idiots will enjoy. . . .

    On second thought, Five Guys is actually a really delicious burger. I don’t know why I got so upset. I’m sorry. It must’ve been some pent up aggression about something else entirely. I really need to talk to a professional. . . .

  • avatar
    john April 4, 2009 - 11:20 pm Reply


    last time i had a kuma’s burger the bun was like twelve days old. kuma’s can be a damn good burger, but ever since they changed their menu from a two-burger list to a practically-all-burger list, the quality has noticeably dropped. five guys, on the other hand, when we ate it, was greasy as hell and delicious.

    there’s room for multiple burgers in this world, friend. you should lighten up and enjoy them all.

  • avatar
    Roy April 5, 2009 - 12:18 am Reply


    Wow, way to come around. I’m glad that you’ve decided to check your aggression and be reasonable when discussing burgers on the internet. Kudos!

  • avatar
    Spider April 10, 2009 - 2:10 pm Reply

    This review made me excited about it all over again! There is one MAJOR difference in the Chicago Five Guys from the ones down in VA. Down there when your number is called, it is yelled out loudly. Here they are all polite, which I found to be a bit pod-people-ish, but surprisingly it didn’t effect the flavor. I could still taste the shouting.

  • avatar
    mr c April 28, 2009 - 10:11 am Reply

    I just tried a WTF burger (added bacon) at a new Five Guys locations in Fort Myers FL. My mouth was very pleased… Thanks for the flavor tip!

  • avatar
    Stereo Radiation June 20, 2009 - 7:47 am Reply

    The best cheeseburger in the Midwest is Redamak’s in New Buffalo, just off 94 a Couple of miles north of the Michigan/Indiana state line. The fries would not reqire some crazy wager to eat either. And they serve beer.

  • avatar
    Angelo October 20, 2009 - 7:32 pm Reply

    If you want a truly great fast food burger head on up street from 5 guys to Clark St Dog. The burgers are fresh, the fries are crisp and not soggy and burn’t, They also have cheese fries. Not available and the joint above. The dogs are local and not imitations from out east. You’ll also save money. Check out why they have been in business for 25 yrs.

  • avatar
    Josh November 3, 2009 - 1:36 pm Reply

    eating a five guys burger is like staring into the face of Jesus Christ as you take him as your lord and personal savior. They just opend one 5 minutes away from my place, so i was interested to see if they were as good of quality here as they are in the DC area which is where i had my first Five Guys expierence. I sat and waited for lucky number 21 to be called out by a hairy thick accented eastern european man, it took every bit of me to hold back the tears of joy. I waited with nervous anticipation as if i were just moments away from loseing my virginity to the prom queen. When they called my number i was shaking like michael J Fox after getting out of the shower on a cold Montana morning. I took my tray and thanked the hairy eastern european man. I contemplated jumping across the counter and holding him in a long embrace, whispiring my most sincerest thank you’s into his ear, but i didnt want to make a bigger scene than the one i knew i was going to make and unable to avoid. I unwrapped the foil that coverd my burger as hastily as a child opens his present from Santa on Christmas morning. I stared at this delicious ball of organized mess overwhelmed with feelings of Pure joy. For the first time in a long time i felt at total peace.I then took my first bite of the double bacon cheesburger i had orderd, There was a calm that fell over the store, everything went silent, I looked around and the world was moving in slow motion. I felt myself leave my earthly body and was hovering above the store looking down at the others. What just happend? Did i die before I could enjoy my meal? I wasnt sure what to make of this. I loved the fact that i was wheightless, and had the ability of flight, I flew around for a minute looking at the expressions people made everytime the took a bite. Expressions of glee, Happiness, joy and a little bit of confusion. but i was upset that i was staring at the most delicious burger ever to be put on the face of gods green earth, created by the most advanced species ever to inhabit the planet and was unable to eat it. At that point in time i was sucked back into my earthly body holding my burger. I took a second bite and began to wheep like a soldier returning from Iraq and seeing his child in person for the first time. The rest is a blur, eating a Five Guys burger is like haveing sex on extacy. I walked back to my car exhausted, with a rock hard erection and ready to take a nap. Simply put This is the best Burger You will ever expirience.

  • avatar
    J-DuB April 13, 2010 - 9:15 am Reply

    I got a little moist, reading this review.

    Five Guy’s IS… an awfully good burger. Greasy, runny, left with what can only be described as cheesy spoo juice on your hands. You are left licking up the mess off your fingers like a porn-strumpet does after finishing off Ron Jeremy.

    But… is this the BEST burger in Chicago? In the State? In The COUNTRY?!??!! I will have to say, it’s a pretty damned good burger and I would absolutely option this over Micky D’s… BK or Wendy’s (though, I do want to slip my tube steak into Wendy though).

    These Guys of Five have a great and repeatable concept, they managed to open up in some very key spots in Chicago. I am no further than 3.3 miles from any one location in the Chicago area and the Loyola one is pretty close to me. Don’t dick around with too much more of expansion and they may not fade into mediocrity.

    it’s amazing how we so readily have embraced a “Carpet-Bagger” from DC and have bestowed upon it such glory and praise. When locally, we still have “the little corner joints” like John’s Burger and Gyro on Broadway. Or, that place on Lincoln Ave, over by Foster? Has the awesome Sport Peppers. John Barleycorn… Moody’s… Murphy’s Red Hots on Belmont. The Weiner Circle.

    Are we so tired of our local joints that we will happily go down on the “next great thing” from out of town? Would Five Guys cuddle with you after basting your face with it’s cheesy load?

  • avatar
    Joslin July 25, 2010 - 1:11 pm Reply

    The fries are good, but the burger is an overpriced. Go to wendys and save yourself $4. They taste the exact same. They even have the same motto ” always fresh, never frozen. ” you want a man’s burger, go to byrons on Lawrence and get the punisher.

  • avatar
    Raymond August 3, 2010 - 6:06 pm Reply


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    Dave B. August 9, 2010 - 3:03 pm Reply

    I’ve been going to Five Guys in the DC area for over 20 years now. They are SICK. And my heart now has the consistency of tapioca, but be that as it may. They only started franchising maybe five years ago, and they are doing it smartly—you have to commit to opening five locations—they won’t let you open just one (since you’re cheap and have no know how and will somehow fuck it up). So if you see only one Guy near you, the four other guys will be opening soon.

  • avatar
    Koowie April 27, 2011 - 10:17 pm Reply

    Five Guys is good but Kumas is the best!

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