OK guys check it out, there is a new king of burgers in town and it aint this creepy motherfucker:
That’s right fellow lard asses, Five Guys is officially up in our shit.
You’re probably thinking:
“But Roy, what about Kumas? They got fried eggs and shit!”
First of all, i don’t have three hours to wait for a table at that fucking place any more. The burgers are indeed amazing, but that place is just too crowded. If it isn’t a weekday afternoon, Kuma’s is might as well be In-n-Out.
Ok, back to the issue at hand:
When I first heard that Five Guys had opened in Chicago I casually mentioned it ito a friend who grew up in Maryland. His reaction was the cheeseburger equivalent of this:
I had to have it.
Less than 12 hours later I gassed up my piece-of-shit Corrolla in search of a burger, a better burger. The type of burger that makes you lose your shit in public.
The anticipation was overwhelming and unexplainable. I felt guilty. . . dirty. I began to get paranoid . . .what if it’s closed? what if the burgers don’t live up to the hype? what if it’s a trap?
Upon arrival we were greeted by this delicious looking sign. Nothing says good burgers like a checker pattern.
The menu was like Othello, a minute to learn – a lifetime to master. Before I knew what was happening, it was my turn to order. I was unprepared.
I channeled my inner Percee P and freestyled it.
The WTF burger:
- Grilled Onions
- Hot Sauce
Farts. I forgot to get mayo.
All Five Guys burgers are cooked well done, so feel free to share with the pregnant and elderly.
The burger was a perfect little greaseball. I was almost sexually attracted to it.
This is the type of burger beautiful poems are written about.
The kind of burger that you could serve at a wedding.
The kind of burger you could talk someone off a ledge with.
Alongside the burger came a “small” order of fries. This order came in two parts:
The fries were retarded (in a good way) and overwhelming. Absent of a frat wager or an eating competition, I can’t see how anyone would dare to finish even a small order.
As I finished the last bite, a sentimental hamburger clip-show played in my head. Boyz to Men’s “Its So Hard to Say Goodbye” gently filled my mind. All the best burgers from my past were there: Diner Grill, Moody’s, Kuma’s, Culvers, In-and-Out, Boston Blackies, White Castle. They formed a circle around us as I slow danced with my Five Guys WTF burger. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, I whispered to it. “I’m in love with you. . . maybe you could put on some mayo for me later?”