Death By Meatbomb

0 Posted by - December 30, 2008 - Things We've Eaten

Word is bond, my CG colleague Marilyn Lee, has been hollerin about meatloaf in cupcake form for at least the past 8-months.  Don’t try and tell ole girl that there isn’t some sort of Nanny Cam set up in her personal space snatching up culinary aspirations like some Rudy Ruettiger bullshit.  Her fears were enhanced around mid-Fall, when we starting hearing rumors revolving around the possibility of a Chi-City MILF who was finalizing plans for a meat bakery dedicated to this sole purpose.  Let’s just say that Marilyn was a bit salty.  Luckily, M has a few more culinary tricks up her sleeve which I am not allowed to divulge in this forum.

In the past, I have been quick to classify meatloaf as some PoliGrip friendly, retirement home comfort food.  And just when I thought that meatloaf would never adapt and lift itself out of junior varsity status, The Meatloaf Bakery (MB) popped up like a hernia after some showboat workouts at the LVAC.

Nestled in the heart of Lincoln Park, MB is the quintessential “Goddammit, its 6:35pm and I have no idea what to get for dinner; I got three brats and a lazy, fat ass husband to feed” spot.  Hope you weren’t thinking Eatzi’s.  Yall know they closed up shop a minute ago and they shit was on some soup kitchen diabolicalness anyway.

Upon entry, Cynthia Kallile, the creator and mastermind behind the single-item concept shop, talked me and my girl up something proper.  Cynthia was all Kool-Aid smiles and eagerly chauffeured us through her faves on the menu.  While considering our gluttonous path, Cynthia skooled us on her multi-year journey in which she readied and perfected her recipes after experiencing a professional rebirf that lead to an exodus from corporate babylonia.  While explaining the cakes, Cynthia was confident as Libya’s al-Gaddafi.  She oozed the belief that her product would keep clientele steady strolling in like baseheads did in Baltimore back in the 1990s.

The space was sleek and stylish like Saks Fifth.  There was a quaint, relatively simple design which complimented the product being slung.  Two high top tables collabed with two stools each.  If you are on the healthy side of the weight spectrum, these seats prolly won’t hold up (even my boney black ass had some issues getting the right equilibrium in this Euro-style shit).  So don’t parlay in the cut; get your call-and-order-on and heat that shit up at home, yungens.  MB has everything covered for those who are ‘oven challenged’ and provide a Baking Meat Products for Dummies sheet that they slip up in your cakeboxxx.  Mmmmm…cakeboxxx.

The rest of the space is consumed by the “cupcake cooler” which can easily be scoped on the opposite side of Clark St.  Set in front of tangerine colored background, this placement has to be intentional.  During the hour that we spent at MB, I swear at least 17 people did whiplash inducing double-takes.

Cynthia and the pastry chefs(?) (question mark b/c I still don’t really know what to call these kats) were steady grinding out different types of meatfuckery during most of our visit, only stopping to deliberate like heads going double-or-nothing up in the Cash Cab.  A significant part of MBs business is special order meat cake.  Cynthia gave us V.I.P. love and ushered us into the kitchen where it went down.  From far glance, they look like their sweet frosted cousins.   Upon closer inspection, the shit looked more like congealed mash potatoes nestled on a top hat without the brim.  But fuck me inna weird position because the masses are throwing out a grip for these manufactured meatbombs.

I don't trust a bakery that doesn't have a fat baker man (see sausage fingas)

One of the only fucking reasons that we deal with our crazy ass parental units is so we can enjoy recipes and flavor profiles which we just cant duplicate at home (my Grandmother mos def kept a tub of lard under the kitchen sink).  Well, Cynthia not only creates a new vessel for our beloved household meats, she makes the shit correct.  Yes, you might be able to make meatloaf back at the nest for $8.69, but I can assure you that it will NOT taste like this.  Lets bless the food:

befo the jump

digestion halftime/meat burps

Counterclockwise, we have: The Loaf-A-Roma, A Wing and A Prayer, The Mother Loaf, and The Chicken Shish-Kaloaf.  Each comes alongside a dipping friend for emotional support.  The Loaf-A-Roma had me frowning like Celie from A Color Purple from the goodness.  The pasta, mozzarella, sun dried tomatoes, fresh basil, red wine, and Italian sausage was mouth-boggling.  A Wing and A Prayer is MBs take on the hot wang.  The crumbled blue cheese topping, ground chicken, celery and hot wing sauce was unfadeable.  I coulda taken more heat, but that’s my personal grind.  The Chicken Shish-Kaloaf is MBs attempt to replicate the classic chicken shish kabob.  MB might wanna take a hiatus and hop ova to Istanbul, because this cake needed to be blessed with a couple mo cups of sage, turmeric and rosemary.  The Mother Loaf sealed the deal and got us back to fiddy%.  The components of onions, ketchup, herbs and mash potato topping kept things traditional like elementary school teachers in boxy blazers.

Summing shit up, MB gets shine from our camp for going out on a limb and fusing two food elements harmoniously.  My only suggestion would be that they add some pork cakes to the menu.  Meatcake bakeries are not exempt from being equal opportunity.

The location might be a bitch for some, so Ima let yall in on a small observation.  There is a bus stop right in front of The Meatloaf Bakery.  Call ahead and run in right quick to get your meatbomblicioiusness.  For those who depend on CTA like my broke ass, sit awhile and let them heat that shit up for yah.  Once them aromas hit the air, you will understand why you actually trekked to one of the gheyest neighborhoods in Chicago to get bombed by meat.


  • avatar
    Ira December 30, 2008 - 12:27 pm Reply

    delish. i’d eat the fuck out of some meatcake.

  • avatar
    Darwensi December 30, 2008 - 10:46 pm Reply

    DO IT!!!

  • avatar
    IAfree January 5, 2009 - 8:17 pm Reply

    I didn’t even know I had a line, but I think the baseheads reference crossed it.

  • avatar
    Lisa Grignon January 13, 2009 - 12:53 pm Reply

    Hey Roy! Lovely post… as… always! Meatloaf is somewhat of a bitch to get to. It got me thinking, if you are reviewing a “bakery”, in addition to restaurants, I encourage you to consider taking something right up your alley- a Chicago food tour. I’m referring to Chicago Food Planet Food Tours; I’ve taken both their Bucktown/Wicker Park Food Tour and their Near North Food Tasting & Cultural Walking Tour (what a mouth-full!). Both tours I took were excellent, extremely educational about Chicago off-the-beaten-path specialty food stores and ethnic delis and actually the majority of participants are Chicago locals, not visitors. My family and I agree there’s no better way to experience Chicago on foot then walking around eating foods (plenty for lunch and/or dinner) while learning about the neighborhoods and interacting with the food store owners. I think us readers should get together and take a stroll. I included their website above but just in case it’s

  • avatar
    Darwensi January 15, 2009 - 9:37 am Reply


    You must be new to our lovely site. Take heed: we place a caveat emptor on all punch lines, metaphors and lanks.

  • avatar
    Rich January 15, 2009 - 9:52 am Reply

    If you don’t like the fact that the ‘hood is gay, stay the fuck out.

  • avatar
    Darwensi January 16, 2009 - 10:00 am Reply


    Be easy. You shoulda learned in grade school that dropping f-bombs wont get you that second carton of chocolate milk.

    Allow me to quickly state that if you are implying that I have issue with homosexuality within our city, let me put you on pause and lay the proverbial, “I have a gay friend!” on ya.

    If this is not what you were implying, then it is my duty to call you out and let you know that you live in a community which resembles Miami University (Ohio) and Woodfield Mall clusterfucked into one entity. If black North Face fleece, over sized sunglasses, and Ugg boots are what you consider “culture”…then Ima need to assign you some homework yungun.

  • avatar
    Emily May 25, 2010 - 8:36 pm Reply

    This is one of the most tasteless reviews I’ve ever seen. If I had an eating establishment, even if you had good things to say, I would not welcome, want, or ask for your review. In fact, I would ask you to take it down if you did review it. If it is a place frequented by human beings of your low-class, foul-mouthed variety, it’s not a place I would want to eat, and this kind of advertising is not good for someone’s business. Your review is highly unprofessional and does not do justice for this innocent business.

    • avatar
      d May 28, 2010 - 11:49 am Reply


      You have cockbreath.


  • avatar
    roy May 28, 2010 - 11:25 am Reply


    You must be new to . . . maybe if we try hard enough we’ll become a high class, proper lady like yourself. In the meantime, your butt stinks and you have a pig face.

    – Roy

  • Leave a reply