Shalom Motherfuckers!

Holy shit it’s getting cold outside. It’s weather like this that makes you wonder who had the nards to settle in Chicago in the first place. I mean before gas furnaces, snuggies, and dog snuggies, how was this survivable?

Step one would probably be cutting your way into a obese tauntaun for warmth, Skywalker style.

Step two: DRINK SOUP! Some of you might be skwakin’ about “The Soup Box” others are going to call out Clam Chowder at Glenn’s. While both are great choices, I’m about to unleash the punch yourself in the face, motherload of winter busting soups. You need this and you didn’t even know it yet. Once you taste it, you’ll regret the lost time you could’ve had with it.

Matzo Ball Soup @ The Bagel . . .

Kadang:

It’s more delicious than it looks . .

The chicken broth tastes like The Colonel’s bathwater (that’s a good thing.) Perfectly salty and with a strong chicken flavor. But the Matzo Ball itself is one of the wonders of the world.

Matzo the Size of Oprah’s Fist.

Neither liquid nor solid, this Matzo Ball is made of a space age material that has no mass, yet still occupies space. When stroking it with a spoon, it ribbons like high quality iced cream. If you shake it, it will tell you your fortune.

Oh yeah, did I mention that it comes with unlimited pickles? Try to imagine that (you can’t.)

How can one fit an infinite amount of pickles in a finite amount of space?

The texture is impossbly soft, like eating one of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s testicles (also a good thing.)

Eyes up here buddy.

Now go get a bowl of this delicious soup, or people might start thinking that you’re anti-semitic. Happy Hannukah!