What up everyone? Gluttons here with a new section strictly for food heads. Welcome to inagural edition of “You Ain’t Eatin’ It Right.”
Today’s epsiode, how to eat movie theater popcorn.
First off, I’d like to give mad props to Eleni Antonopolous for putting me on to this advanced fat guy tactic, you’ve taken years off of my life lady.
Ok, here’s how it works. These days, movie theaters are giving customers more options than ever before. 3D or 2D, Soda or Cappucino, fromulaic Ben Stiller movie or formulaic Seth Rogan movie. The most exciting new freedom the cinema lords have bestown upon us is the abiliity to control our own butter topping consumption. Some ‘old school’ theaters will still ask if you want butter and apply it themselves. This is tough, as human language isn’t evolved enough to describe the prescise amount of butter-like substance that you actually want. If you say “a lot”, you come out of the theater greasier than a the toilet seat at the Jersey Shore house. You say “a little,” and your shit ends up dryer than Michelle Bachman’s front butt at a homeless shelter. Not to get on some Goldilocks shit, but if you want it “just right” you’re gonna have to take matters into your own hands.
“But Roy, once the bag is full, I can only get butter on the top. I need them to butter as they fill!”
That’s what I used to think, until the third greatest Greek person in the world changed my life.
The Top 5 Greek People in the World
Behold, the Antonopolous popcorn buttering technique:
Order your popcorn, and if you really don’t give a fuck, some chocolate based candy. For the sake of this tutorial, I’ve selected peanut M&Ms. Warning: Don’t get Raisinets. They’re a disgusting abomination and you’re a terrible person if you like them. Keep your fruit out of my candy.
Actual retail price: $65.00
Procede to the butter station and get ready to amaze your friends and get dropped from your health insurance. The key here is to grab a straw (or a few) and insert it at least halfway into the bag.
Resist the urge to take a bump.
Now, carefully place the exposed tip directly underneath the butter nozzle and drain that shit.(pause?)
I can't believe it works!
Don’t believe? Wanna see it in action, check out this idiotic video I spent too much time on:
Repeat at a different depths until the theater manager asks you to leave, or you’re until your void of self esteem.
The shit should look like a disco ball.
Dump the chocolate covered candy in that mf’er and jam some pieces deep with the butter straw. The occasional butter covered M&M will really cut the saltiness and enable you to pound down more popcorn.
Diabeetus in a bag.
Well there you go folks, the first of many new tips to come (again?) If you have any suggestions that you’d like to share and get mad public props, email them to ChicagoGluttons@gmail.com! Smell ya later!
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