What up everyone? Gluttons here with a new section strictly for food heads. Welcome to inagural edition of “You Ain’t Eatin’ It Right.”
Today’s epsiode, how to eat movie theater popcorn.
First off, I’d like to give mad props to Eleni Antonopolous for putting me on to this advanced fat guy tactic, you’ve taken years off of my life lady.
Ok, here’s how it works. These days, movie theaters are giving customers more options than ever before. 3D or 2D, Soda or Cappucino, fromulaic Ben Stiller movie or formulaic Seth Rogan movie. The most exciting new freedom the cinema lords have bestown upon us is the abiliity to control our own butter topping consumption. Some ‘old school’ theaters will still ask if you want butter and apply it themselves. This is tough, as human language isn’t evolved enough to describe the prescise amount of butter-like substance that you actually want. If you say “a lot”, you come out of the theater greasier than a the toilet seat at the Jersey Shore house. You say “a little,” and your shit ends up dryer than Michelle Bachman’s front butt at a homeless shelter. Not to get on some Goldilocks shit, but if you want it “just right” you’re gonna have to take matters into your own hands.
“But Roy, once the bag is full, I can only get butter on the top. I need them to butter as they fill!”
That’s what I used to think, until the third greatest Greek person in the world changed my life.
The Top 5 Greek People in the World
Behold, the Antonopolous popcorn buttering technique:
Step one:
Order your popcorn, and if you really don’t give a fuck, some chocolate based candy. For the sake of this tutorial, I’ve selected peanut M&Ms. Warning: Don’t get Raisinets. They’re a disgusting abomination and you’re a terrible person if you like them. Keep your fruit out of my candy.
Actual retail price: $65.00
Step two:
Procede to the butter station and get ready to amaze your friends and get dropped from your health insurance. The key here is to grab a straw (or a few) and insert it at least halfway into the bag.
Resist the urge to take a bump.
Step three:
Now, carefully place the exposed tip directly underneath the butter nozzle and drain that shit.(pause?)
I can't believe it works!
Don’t believe? Wanna see it in action, check out this idiotic video I spent too much time on:
Repeat at a different depths until the theater manager asks you to leave, or you’re until your void of self esteem.
The shit should look like a disco ball.
Step four:
Dump the chocolate covered candy in that mf’er and jam some pieces deep with the butter straw. The occasional butter covered M&M will really cut the saltiness and enable you to pound down more popcorn.
Diabeetus in a bag.
Well there you go folks, the first of many new tips to come (again?) If you have any suggestions that you’d like to share and get mad public props, email them to ChicagoGluttons@gmail.com! Smell ya later!
9 Comments
You make me want to be a better man…and by better, I mean fatter, and by man, I mean lady.
seriously though…can we get married?
Eleni has just changed my life. She deserves some kind of trophy for this one.
Great video Roy!
absolutely fucking brilliant! OMG! OMFG!
Instead of using M&M’s, try Buncha Crunch. Since there’s no candy shell, it melts into the popcorn….soooooooooooo good.
Back in the day, we were supposed to squirt that stuff in the middle AND on the top of your popcorn. If you wanted it.
DISCLAIMER: Don’t read this next bit if you wish to continue to blissfully consume “butter” on your movie popcorn.
I used to work in a movie theater long ago. First, unless it’s labeled actually BUTTER, it isn’t — it’s butter-flavored gook that’s only oil when it’s heated, otherwise its the consistency of cooled bacon grease. Once you have to fill the warmers with that stuff, you never wish to consume it again, it’s like warm Crisco.
That is why, when you listen closely, they actually ask, “Would you like it buttery?” they don’t say “butter” because that’s false advertising. Some places DO use real butter, but it’s expensive and theaters make most all their money from the outrageously priced snack bar, not from the outrageous ticket prices.
The application technique using the straw is so scientific. I was going to say that if it’s already good, it will be better with butter -but now I don’t know what to think after Andrea R spilled the beans. Butter flavored Crisco doesn’t sound so good.
I appreciate the ingenuity of this technique.
However, even easier: ask the person at the counter to fill the popcorn half way. cover that half in butter and mix in candy, if you like. shake that shit up.
go back and get the rest of the bag filled. butter and integrate with the sweetness and shake that shit again.
it takes about the same time and gets that butter substitute more evenly spread…along with the candy.
I love theaters that have self-dispensed butter for which this innovative approach is, well, intriguing. However, I’m still searching for a way to cope in theaters that don’t have dispensers. I’m looking for a thermos to which one can attach a pump. If I don’t find one soon, I may have to invent it. Move over Steve Jobs.