My time has come. The end is near. I fear that I don’t have much time left so I will be sure to use these words wisely. As I write this, a river of piping hot mozzerella cheese is oozing from my ruptured stomach and enveloping my failing organs. I used to think that eating yourself to death was only possible at gun point, so please learn from my story and don’t repeat my mortal mistakes. (btw, if anyone I know personally is reading this I want The Baby Elephant Walk played at at my funeral. Make this happen or I’m coming back and sliming nurgaz.) It’s going to happen any minute now . . .
Oh sweet lord, accept me into thy open arms. But how did this happen you ask?
Today I went to Gulliver’s Pizza on Howard st. and totally lost control. I wasn’t even hungry, I had no business being there. I was to just enjoy “a few drinks” and the beautiful patio area. You know, this is what responsible adults do for leisure. As always a few drinks turned into several, and several drinks turned into me accidentally ordering an extra large 16 inch pan pizza topped with pepperoni, jalepenos all for myself. This is about a 10 pound (4.54 kilogram) pizza.
What happened next is difficult to explain. Have you ever experienced road hypnosis? Like when you are driving on the highway and all of a sudden you’ve traveled 50 miles from your last memory? Imagine that happening while eating pizza. Shortly after taking this photo I entered my first and final state of deadly food hypnosis. What appropriate and beautiful death.
When I came to the pizza was 50% complete. Small chunks of jalepeno & pizza crust peppered my lap and shirt & my wrist watch was missing.